


What If

by Jld71



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Death, Gen, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 04:53:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14512974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jld71/pseuds/Jld71
Summary: Sam thinks about Jessica.





	What If

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lennelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lennelle/gifts).



> Written for the prompt by lennelle: Jess is warm and soft in bed beside him, hair all tangled yellow curls, eyelashes fluttering gently in sleep. Sam wants to hold her, to kiss her temple, but Jess has been dead almost 13 years now.

What If

Sam reached out, touched the side of the bed and his fingers caressed the warm, soft skin of the woman lying next to him in bed. She smelled of soap and strawberries. He breathed in deeply, content in the familiar scent and hummed. He cracked an eye open and saw the tangled mass of yellow curls, saw the soft hair covering Jessica’s face, He watched as her eyelashes fluttered gently in sleep, moving tiny strands of that soft hair with their movements. He reached out to sweep the hair away from her face. He wanted to kiss her temple, pull her close to him and just hold her. He itched to touch her. His fingers moved of their own accord. They only stop when they touched on nothing. Jessica’s side of the bed is empty, cold to the touch. It had only been a dream. That was when it hit him, hard. Bone crushingly hard. He ached from it, the realization that he was the only one in the bed.

Jess has been dead for almost thirteen years. He rolled over, away from what should have been her side of the bed. Only to realize he was not at their little apartment off campus. He was in some motel, on a hunt with his brother. He stifled the sob that threatened to rip from his throat. His eyes burned from the unshed tears. He brought his fisted hands up to his eyes, ground the flesh against his eyelids to stop the tears from escaping past his lashes. He couldn’t let himself cry, again. He had cried for Jess so many times in the past. He’d thought he was out of tears. He should have known. He’d never be at a loss for tears when it came to Jess, to losing her. 

Sam could still remember the sound of her laughter, how she tilted her head back and how her eyes danced with happiness when she was overcome with the urge to laugh. It was one of the sweetest sounds he’d ever heard. It was what drew him to her. Jessica. Then he had gotten to know her, the beautiful, caring and fierce person that she was. 

He could still remember their conversations. Their dreams of what if. What if when they graduated they found a little place together to truly start theirs lives as a couple? What if things went well in their careers? What if they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together?

He’d been so ready for that. He’d been ready for all of it. 

What if . . .

That’s all it was now. What if. What if Jess was still alive? What if he’d tossed Dean out on his ass that night he’d shown up? What if he never went with Dean that weekend? What if he’d been there that night? Could he have stopped Azazel? Could he have saved Jess? What if he’d never lived the life of a hunter? 

The what if’s and questions spun around and around in his head, threatening to drive him crazy. 

What if Jess was still alive? What would his life be like now? Would he be here in some out of the way motel, hold up researching the latest supernatural creature they were attempting to kill? Or, would he be home with her right now? Would he actually have finished law school, and have passed the bar? Would he actually be a lawyer right now? Would he be happily married to Jess? Would they have children? Who would they look like, her, him or the perfect mixture of them both?

His heart ached for her, every day. Sure, he’d told Dean he had gotten over her death. But, he never had. Not really. She had been his one true love. They had what his Mom and Dad had. A love that should have lasted through the ages and beyond. A love that would have stood against the test of time. 

At night, when Dean was asleep and the ache was so great, he would pull out her picture. The one that he’d tucked away in his wallet. The one only he knew about. The picture had been moved from wallet to wallet when he changed them out. He could never let it go. It was worn in places, faded from his touch. He’d run his finger over the edges of it, needing to touch it, to anchor himself to her somehow. He never showed this to anyone, not even Dean. He knew Dean would never understand. 

He loved Jess. He’d been in love with her really from the moment he laid eyes on her. He couldn’t share that with Dean. He wouldn’t understand. Hell, he wasn’t sure if Dean had ever really been in love. But, this wasn’t about Dean. It was about him, about what he was feeling and going through.

He missed her with every waking moment. There were times when he wasn’t sure he could go on. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted to go on without her, even after all this time. Every day was harder than the last. Even when he’d been with other women, it had always been Jess he’d longed for. He felt like he was cheating on her with them. Maybe that’s why things never worked out with any of them. Because his heart belonged to Jess. His mind and body had just been slow to catch on to that.

Cas had noticed his pain and his heartbreak. Cas had felt it when he had healed him one night. Sam had asked for Cas’ help. He had begged Cas to bring Jess back to him. He couldn’t, or wouldn’t. It was out of the question for Cas to bring Jess back. Cas had offered to erase the memory of Jessica from his mind. When he’d said no, Cas had offered to take the pain away. He’d refused that offer as well. He couldn’t give up his one connection he had to her. 

In the dead of night, he planned, he thought of his future. Maybe, if he made it out of this alive, at least he hoped he would, he’d make a deal. He’d find a crossroads, bury that box and make himself one Hell of a sweet deal. He’d sell his soul for ten years with Jess. He’d make that demon bring her back to him. He’d gladly do it, sell his soul, just to be with her again, to touch her, hear her laugh. He didn’t care if he rotted in Hell in the end. She’d be alive. He’d have her back in his life, in his arms where she belonged.

He sighed at the thought. How pathetic it sounded, even in his own head. He never even dared to say this out loud. Dean would ridicule him if he even suspected what he had as a backup plan. They both knew what hell was like. What those demons would do to either of them if they ever had a chance to get their hands on another Winchester again. He’d be roasting in the pits of Hell, if he was lucky. There were always worse things a demon could do to you in Hell. 

But, he no longer cared. He missed Jess and it was so hard to breathe without her. He had a right to be selfish for once. Just this once, he told himself. He’d given up so much to save this damn world. He just wanted this one thing for himself. His happily ever after with the love of his life. Jessica. Her name was on his lips when he woke. Her face was the last image he saw when he closed his eyes wishing for sleep to take him. 

He knew Heaven wouldn’t give him what he wanted. So, he’d make Hell give it to him.


End file.
